The Final Countdown Has Begun...Again

Hey all you faithful readers out there! If you've ever read a thing or two on my blog you know that I'm prone to Grand Canyon-esque lapses between my posts. And it's been 44 days since my last activity here. But I've actually got a few semi-good reasons for that this time. In addition to my elephantine laziness, of course.

I've been directing my occasional posting efforts to an up-and-coming sports blog that I recently joined as a contributor. The site's NoCoastBias.com (NCB) and you can find my bio page and blog posts here and here. My writing there focuses mostly on the NFL and making fun of myself. So, it'll be fairly similar to what I post here! You should definitely check out the site. Not just because of me (although that is a good reason to go in the first place!) but because the site's founder, Derek Hernandez, has put together an impressive list of writers and contributors and we're churning out new content every day. Speaking of new content, I'm proud to say that my good friend Andy Soto joined the site as well and has written some great articles. Andy's got a wealth of sports knowledge in his handsome noggin and if you're a Chiefs fan you're in for a treat (though Andy may begin writing some depressing articles if the Chiefs keep losing).

Also, as the title of this piece suggests, the final countdown has begun! Again. A little background for you:

Do you guys remember MySpace? That social networking site that a lot of people (myself included) though would outlast Facebook and keep giving us glittery profile backgrounds and embedded content forever! Well, we were wrong! Anyway, back about a month before I graduated from college the first time, I added the song The Final Countdown by Europe as my profile song. In case you haven't heard it or want to hear it again, here's the video:

God, isn't that freaking awesome? Did you ever wish that you could have lived through the eighties? To be fair, I was born in '84, so I was a little kid during some of the prime rocking eighties time. If only my birth could have been dialed back a few years then maybe I could have gone to a Phil Collins concert while he was still cool and not pumping out Disney tunes. What am I saying? Phil is the best. I love Phil Collins. Did you know he was in the movie Hook? As a kid who had ample time to both wear out my dad's No Jacket Required tape AND watch lots of VHS movies, I thought that was the coolest thing ever to see him in that movie. Anyway, what was my point with all of this eighties stuff? Oh yes, the countdown. Well, I'm counting down to my second college graduation. I can't decide if that's a sad thing or not. I suppose if it results in me getting some better opportunities than I had before (and more money is always nice) and if I enjoy my work more than I did before then it won't be sad. It'll be worth the time that I put into it. That's what I (and my very patient wife) are hoping for. And since I'm counting down to graduation, that means I have to actually pass my classes this semester! And that means actually doing homework and going to class! Terrible things, I know. But necessary.

So even though I still find many ways to waste my time, I do have TWO WHOLE reasons for why you haven't been seeing much of me here lately. I hope to remedy that a bit. I've enjoyed writing about sports at NCB but I've missed writing about whatever the hell is running through my head at any moment and there's no reason that I can't do both. If you're looking for hard statistical analysis and rock-solid predictions about the NFL on NCB you probably don't want to read my articles. Check out Andy's stuff or any of the other crew members who post on the NFL. But if you want to read something goofy, self-deprecating, and loosely tied to the NFL, then I'm your man.

Holy Schnoodles

Yes, holy schnoodles, indeed. Fair and good readers, I am not Gurg. Gurg was something that probably should not have seen the light of day. He has traveled back to his home planet, never to return. I burned his green card and shredded his passport into his breakfast cereal. Bid him a farewell. Not a fond one, just a farewell.

Holy schnoodles, it has (again) been a long time since I've written anything. Here is what's shaking:

• It is very very very very very very very very hot here in Lincoln. It is also very very very very very very very very very very hot everywhere else.
• I attempted to hike up a 14,000 foot mountain (a 14er) in Colorado and I failed.
• Baseball is still here. Good God when will the season end and football begin? For all of my moaning about not wanting our future children to play football, I cannot freaking wait for the season to start. The allure of cooler weather and a wave of CTE-tinged pigskin matches is always something to look forward to. Am I a terrible person for saying this? Yes, I probably am.
• I am nearing the start of the last semester of my retread-college career. Let's hope that I don't see the need to go back to school again. Ever.
• And that's about it.

English Major: Explained

I was perusing an old edition of the Deadspin Funbag that is managed by the eternally awesome Drew Magary and I came across this gem. The Funbag is where Drew answers email questions from readers. Being a fellow English major I can say this is the essence of the degree. A perfect synopsis in his answer to Old Gil's question:

Old Gil:

"So I'm getting to the point in my college career where I have to decide on a major. What subject can I major in that will be both easy and make me look good in the future? I don't want some bullshit Museum Studies degree, but at the same time I don't want to have to do any work. I also like money if that helps narrow things down. Any suggestions? And if you had to do it over, what would you have switched to?"

Drew's response:

"I was an English major, and I recommend it. When you're an English major, all you really have to do is read novels (or, in my case, skim them), then talk about them and write a few papers on them. You don't have to memorize anything. You don't have to do any fucking field research. You don't have to work with a fucking lab partner or something horrible like that. There are no quizzes (unless your professor is a dick). You can bullshit your way through things. And it's a major no one sneers at. Some teachers assign papers instead of ever giving some fucking blue book test. A lot of professors let us choose which one we wanted (we always chose doing a paper). Plus, you can claim to have read any number of great books, and know enough about them to make it sound like you're a smart asshole. I don't think I'd want to major in anything else. Sociology majors are retards.
The ten most lucrative majors, according to the New York Times, are almost all engineering majors. That shit is hard. I dunno if it's worth it.
(NOTE: The only thing that SUCKED about being an English major was the English Theory course I had to take junior year. It was horrible. The professor made us think, and do real work. YES YOU, MR. BRYANT! OR SHOULD I SAY MR. TYRANT?!)"

Follow Drew on Twitter

The "Benefit" of Group Projects

Okay, mini-rant time.

I, as my faithful readers know (haha), am in college for the second time. The first time through I went by way of the humanities division of my fine college. Lots of courses on writing, speaking, rhetoric, etc. Very light on the more practical business courses that could then be applied directly to real-world positions (accountant, human resources, computer nerd, marketing, etc). Is this an indicator of the failure of humanities/arts degrees failing to prepare graduates for the real world? That is something to be discussed in another post. For now, I would like to focus on one small item that irks me about classes on the business end of things. Specifically, group projects.

On the benefits of such projects: they are touted to encourage communication and teamwork. Good. Those are two great things. Also, they mimic what you may well encounter in the working world. When you get your awesome JOB that you worked so hard for you will likely work in a GROUP on a PROJECT. Because you have worked on said projects in COLLEGE you will be equipped with the proper tools to SUCCEED.

Okay, I get the wispy theory behind this. I really do. It all sounds good in syallbi form and coming out of the instructors' mouths. I'm sure that it looks equally good when these instructors present their curriculum and the plans to whatever committees they have to placate in order to continue teaching these courses in the way that they want to. All fine and good. Dandy. Just dandy.

When you actually think about it, it begins to crystallize into an observation on the real world. And that is, that these fluffy, wonderful, sparkly-in-the-light-of-a-unicorn's-patoot projects are garbage. They're nothing more than a way for instructors to do less work in their classes. Okay, okay, some of you may nail me here and say:


Nate! These instructors have been doing this for a long time and they are preparing you for real life! They know what they're doing and there have been PAPERS written about this type of thing! Group projects are necessary to develop your COMMUNICATION and TEAMWORK skills! That is what you'll encounter in the real world and you better shut your mouth now before the education gods come down from the Teachers' Lounge Heaven and smite you in their almighty smiteyness!


There may be a time where group projects are a worthy endeavor. Maybe. But I doubt it. Mostly, they are designed to cause great heartache. A student does not need multiple classes and multiple semesters of group projects to realize how tortuous and unnecessary they are! A student needs but one class! I propose that there be a class called The Hell of Group Projects. It will be assigned in a student's first college semester and they will quickly see how awful these projects are. Main points covered include:

1. One, or at most, two people in the group will actually do any work in the group
1. At this point, you will hope you are in small groups composed only of those willing to work
2. You will never be able to find a meeting time that will work for all group members
3. Actual group meetings will be UNPRODUCTIVE. 
1. You will leave these meetings knowing that it would be better if you could just do the damn thing yourself

And I think that about covers what that class would entail. Only the most annoying types of projects would be assigned. Those with lots of graphs, group papers (Oh, God! You can keep me out of Heaven, just don't make me do a group paper! That is a punishment truly worse than the depths of all Hell!), spreadsheets, Pictionary-esque diagrams crafted with those fruity (or sometimes poisonous) smelling permanent markers, and pages and pages and pages and pages of peer analysis forms to be completed by hand.

That's it. Students would get it. Then these instructors, instead of crafting these brilliant group projects, could actually teach their damn classes!

I have encountered a strange phenomenon here in my second-go-round: I'm finding that some teachers are teaching in the most asinine way possible which is owed to the myth of the group project. I am now in my second class with this method. This is what the method entails, all summarized on the first day of class:

1. Give fluffy presentation with syllabus about course structure, which is:
1. Every day, instructor will give a brief lecture about the day's topic. And by brief I mean very very brief. This is what defines brief. As in about ten minutes brief.
2. Remaining class time is devoted to GROUP TIME.
3. Instructor will be wandering around the class, available should groups have any questions
4. STUDENT/GROUPS are responsible for all understanding and actual teaching of topic to themselves and to each other
5. Projects will be assigned for students to figure out on their own or in GROUPS (which have previously been found to be useless)
6. Tests will be given, grades will be handed out
7. The end.

What used to be clear to me, is now muddied by new-fangled thinking and creative laziness.

Hey! Instead of taking time to go over difficult concepts as well as teaching students the basics, I'm going to just shove it all under the poopy-smelling umbrella of group work! I'll empower the students to teach themselves and I'll give them enough space to be themselves and learn in the best way they see fit! God, I'm a freaking genius! And, in case they think I just use the time to go back to my office and play Angry Birds or Words with Friends, I'll stick around to answer any questions they may have! All while, of course, making sure they get just enough information from me to be only slightly-less confused.

What the fuck are students paying for when they come to college??!! What in God's name is the tuition for if not for students to be TAUGHT! We are empty vessels, here! We are here to be filled with knowledge by the faculty and staff who are paid (an amount that is not known, but probably is too much)! We are not here to sit in silent groups with our expensive textbooks open in front of us while the instructor flits about looking intelligent and caring! Don't just look intelligent! Give us some of that knowledge! We know that there must be some reason why you are paid to carry the title of instructor or professor or associate professor or adjunct professor or whatever your title is. We know you probably worked very hard to get where you are and there is a reason why you were hired in the first place. It was to teach! Not to tell students they will spend the semester teaching themselves! As it stands, a student is paying for a textbook and a semester-long study session with people who are likely just as confused as they are. The goals of the class could have been accomplished with the textbook and a series of YouTube videos. The knowledge is out there to be had much cheaper and much easier. Yet students are stuck because they have to get that piece of paper. That degree. Instead of lording that fact over students, mocking them with the idiocy of today's teaching, how about giving them something they can use. How about teaching? How about engaging them in discussion? Impart your knowledge to the students. Help them understand what is in the textbook. Step them through problems and concepts. There is a reason you, the instructor, are at the college. There is a reason the students are at the college. Stop telling them through your actions, that there isn't any reason to be at college.

Well, aside from that degree thing.

The Lazy Squirrel Gets Nothing...And Dies

Okay, so it's been a few days since my last post. This happens every damn time! I get all excited about blogging, do it for a couple days, and then leave it to rot for months and months. This is how my lazy mind seems to work:

1. Think about something interesting in that moment
2. Decide that I have thought enough to be able to write something
3. Decide that the rest of the world will find in interesting
4. Get really excited (well, not that excited. But excited enough to write about it)
5. Blog it
6. Share on Google+, Twitter...and possibly spam everybody I know on Facebook about it
7. Obsessively check my blog stats to see how many page views I've received
8. Obsessively check to see if anyone's clicked on the ads in my blog, which lead to a few cents of "earnings" for me (never happens and it makes me feel kind of dirty)
9. Find out that most people don't give a shit about what I write...
10. Because it's not that interesting...

And I have no volume. I don't produce. I'm lazy. Just like everything else in my life, I just keep expecting all of these gosh darn good things to happen to me just by thinking about how cool/great they are/would be. I'm not driven to succeed. I'm driven to think about being driven to succeed. I am a lazy shit who keeps expecting great things to happen to me because they just happen, right?

Wrong. Successful people work hard. Successful people don't stop at the daydream. They envision it and then they do whatever it takes to make it happen. And sometimes they fail but I bet (because, being a lazy shit, I don't really know what happens next) they chalk it up to experience and move on to something else. Being successful involves taking risks and sometimes you do fail. The beauty of daydreams is that you never fail. You can spend all of your time thinking about success and how awesome that would be and you never have to worry about the work, sacrifice, and disappointment that goes into even a modicum of success. That's right, you dumb fuck. You'll never do anything successfully if you never do anything. Huh. Seems simple.

Throughout my life in the educational system, I've been able to skate by on the decent pile of natural intelligence that I was blessed with. In my schooling I've never had to spend a lot of time studying. Don't get me wrong, I do the work, I pay attention in class, I study a little for my tests...but I've never really worked hard in my classes. I keep my grades up through attendance and homework and I cram for tests so that I can do well on them and promptly forget everything I memorized. Also, I think I owe my relative success in my first run-through of college (I got an English degree) to the fact that I didn't really take any hard classes. I took writing classes. Those classes weren't hard for me because I think I have at least a little natural ability in writing. But that doesn't mean that I'm good at writing. No, it means that I'm a good bullshitter. With writing classes you get writing tests. Sure, you have to memorize some things, but with a short-answer/essay test, if you bullshit enough you're eventually going to cover the right answer. This isn't the case with other types of classes.

I'm not sure where I wanted to go with all of that. I'm in school again and I'm studying computers and IT. Hopefully, I'll graduate and get a good job. I guess my point (if I even have one) is that I've never plunged into any of my interests. Sure, I might have some talent at writing but I've never tried to cultivate that. It was easy enough to wax poetically ad nauseum throughout my high school papers and get good grades. I was even able to do fairly well in my college writing courses. But I never pursued anything beyond that. To be a writer you have to be constantly honing your craft. You have to make it a craft in the first place! You can't just write some school papers and then decide that you're a writer and be done with it! And that's pretty much what I've done.

For the longest time I thought I'd be a novelist or poet (or both) when I grew up. Ha! Sure, I wrote a bunch of angsty teenage poetry and even burped up a few story ideas. But I never actually worked on anything. Bad poetry is easy. Good stories are much much much much harder. And how would I even know? I've never completed one in my life.

I am not a writer. I am a college graduate who went to work in a couple cubicle farm for a few years; decided I didn't like it (like everything else); went back to school. What happens when I graduate this time? Will I get a job and then decide after a few years I don't like it? That's my pattern. Most things I decide I don't like because they are hard. Or they're not "interesting enough" to me.

Life is tough. Life is unfair. Life is. Haven't I figured that out yet? Anyway, enough convoluted bitching about being lazy and unmotivated. Time to do nothing about it!

P.S. Will you look at that? ^^^

I just wrote something. Not that it's any good, but I wrote something! Here I was thinking that I couldn't think of anything to write about and I just poured out a good five minutes of life that some poor suckers won't get back if they read this! Yay, me!

That Damn Boy

The boy spent all of his childhood days waiting impatiently and dreaming of that Day. The day when he would, at long long long last, be all grown-up and ready to get on with his life. No more summers of boredom or nights full of television and discontent. He was going to be a fighter pilot. And then an astronaut. He would pilot a ship to Mars. And then become a professional football player. All the while he dreamt of glory and romance. Adventures and poignant moments with a woman with no face and yet as many faces as he could picture every night when he closed his eyes.

As he grew into an older boy, he fancied himself a writer. Full of feelings and fears and frightful images that no one had ever felt or imagined before. Or if they had, never as intensely as he. And girls! Oh the Girls were the subject of many of his musings. Those queens, those untouchable ladies seen from afar. How he longed for one and then another to know the contents of his heart! But those Girls lived only on the page. The boy felt unworthy and ill-prepared for the real girls.

This boy is now a bitter boy, full of bile and self-hatred. Discontent, still. That Day was still coming. Now his dream was less well-defined. Only to leave the confines of his father's house, to be his own man! He would travel far away for his College Experience. He sent off for information to many esteemed institutions, determined to put his mark on his life and on this world. He would experience everything he was supposed to and have the time of his life. Yet, when the time came, he settled in at the nearest school where all (or most) of his familiar friends attended.

"What to do now?" He wondered. Perhaps he would see where this place would take him.