January 28, 2015 - or 650 Days Since My Last Post

Boy, is it ever dusty in here.

Fake football? A new job?

Wow, that's old news! Except for the fake football thing. I still play it. I just never documented any of my adventures. If you, constant reader, have learned anything about me...it's that I rarely follow through on anything I promise in this blog. I mean, it's been 650 days since my last post. Do you want to know what's happened in that time? I played golf like five times! I bought a different car! Wanda's gotten two crowns on her teeth!

Oh, we even had a baby! Yes, ol' irresponsible Nate and his wonderful, loving, responsible wife had a beautiful baby boy named Erik. He was born 5/23/14 and has been the greatest little guy anybody could ask for and Wanda and I love him more than anything.

Life has been quite different since Erik arrived. I think the two cats have been properly traumatized with his arrival but they have been slowly coming around. We've even been teaching him how to pet them gently. I'm sure when he starts crawling (so close!) and then walking he'll be terrorizing them. But for now they tolerate him and sometimes even come close to sniff him every once in a while.

And I think I'm done for now. The chasm between wanting to write and actually writing anything is vast for me. Nearly infinite. And I have no more words at the moment. I hope to have more soon. For now, enjoy this dispatch from the void!

Fake Football Universe Revival

Hello there everyone.

I was just browsing through some of my old posts and spotted this one that covered a week in my college football "Alternaverse". Back then, I was rocking a Playstation 2 and playing NCAA Football 2007. My teams at the time were the USC Trojans, Colorado Buffaloes, and San Jose State Spartans. I didn't post anything after that but I had fun writing up the little blurbs on my teams' games and it's fun to read them now. Just as a little exercise in writing and time suckage, I'd like to revive this process. I've since upgraded the game system to an Xbox 360 and the game to NCAA Football 2013, but the spirit is still the same. EA Sports has done away with the player discipline portion (not sure what year that happened) so there won't be any infractions for me to embellish in my write-ups. Maybe I'll pick a random player from each team and write up a whole fake back story along the lines of, say, Manti Te'o? We'll see.

My two current teams in the game are my hometown Nebraska Cornhuskers and the Texas State Bobcats. Whenever I get a new version of the football game I will always start with the Cornhuskers. After I've dominated for a few years (I've already won two National Championships) I will usually have my "coach" of the Huskers take a position with a different team. But I'm still at Nebraska for now. So, my two coaches are the faux Bo Pelini (not to be confused with this faux Pelini) with the Huskers and a young whippersnapper by the name of Nate Johnson at Texas State. I find it both satisfying and frustrating to play with more than one team. You get more variety in opponents, talent, and bowl games by playing with more than one team. Especially if you have two teams on opposite ends of the spectrum like Nebraska and Texas State. But it also takes you twice as long to go through a season if you're playing with two.

The pull of a powerhouse team (aside from favorite team allegiance) is that you know you will always get top-tier talent and will almost always be in competition for a national title. But that can also get boring if your team is so good that it wins it all year after year. That's great when the real-life team is winning like that, but it gets boring in a video game. Hence the attraction of a team near the bottom. You get the challenge of trying to win with a team that is not nearly as talented. Recruiting is much harder and it usually takes at least one season to even get ranked in the top 25 and three-to-four more to be in contention for a national title. And this is even if you go undefeated and win your toilet bowl game. Usually, if your team is coming from a lesser conference and you perform well for a few years, you will be invited to join a better conference. This helps a lot in the quest for the National Championship. But it also increases the level of your competition.

In the previous "Alternaverse" the team I brought up from obscurity was San Jose State. It took quite a few years but eventually I was able to get marquee recruits and win multiple national titles. Patience and lots of time wasted are the keys to success.

I don't know how long I'll actually run this little fake football recap but I hope to have some fun with it. If you've read any of my blog you know that I am not consistent. At all. In fact, I am only consistent in not being consistent. I'm gonna shoot low and promise at least three write-ups. We shall see. In the meantime, watch this video of a dude and his dog talking about bacon.

Finis Est Principo

Do you remember all of that whining I was doing about having to go to job interviews and working with a recruiter and being rejected by most of the places I interviewed at and waiting impatiently to hear back from the one place that hadn't rejected me yet?

Well, I heard back from that place.

And they offered me a job.

.

.

.

.

Hooray!

Now, as my faithful readers, you probably want to know the nitty-gritty on the whole process. I've been purposefully vague on here (if you follow me on Twitter or are my friend on Facebook you've probably seen me check-in at a few places for interviews) because I wanted to wait until I finally had a job. There was probably no good reason for that. Maybe just to build suspense for you, my faithful readers! No, not really.

Anywho...

I actually interviewed at a business a few months before I finished school. That place is Five Nines, a local managed IT services company. I interviewed there twice (first interview was 10/23/2012 and the second was 11/2/2012) with an understanding that I would be done with school in December and able to start at the beginning of the year. When that time rolled around I was told that there weren't any openings at that time in their help desk area. Bummer.

My next interview was January 28 (two days before my birthday, yay!) at the University of Nebraska Foundation for a help desk position. The interview went well and I thought it would be fun to work there. The interviewer told me that it could be a fairly lengthy wait before the second interview so I knew it would be a while before I found out. I didn't even get a second interview. I got the rejection email on February 26.

On to interview number two (of 2013, anyway). This time I met with some folks at MacPractice, a company down in the Haymarket here in Lincoln who provide practice management software for doctor's offices and support for that software. This particular position would have been in their call center providing support for the various users of their software. This interview also went pretty well but I didn't know if I necessarily wanted to work at a place like this. I've already worked in a high volume call center and didn't know if I wanted to spend more time in that kind of environment. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for being busy and having to deal with a lot of things at work. That's what work is. But, I just wasn't necessarily liking the environment or the vibe from that particular place. I'm sure it's a fine place to work, just not for me. So, I wasn't too broken up about their rejection email that arrived on February 12.

#3. This interview was with Olsson Associates on February 20. I was really impressed with them. There were four people in on the interview with me but I didn't really feel intimidated by them. I felt that I really presented myself well and had a good rapport with the interviewers. This was the company that I had the phone interview with, which was on February 27.

Are you guys with me still?

On April 2nd I got a call from Olsson Associates and they offered me a position with their company. I was slightly shocked, very relieved, and super excited to get that call! It had been such a long time that I figured they weren't going to offer the job to me and were just taking their time before they called and told me they'd chosen someone else. But, I wasn't doing too good of a job remembering (even with Wanda reminding me every so often) that this was how the job search process goes. It takes time. It's frustrating. It can be demoralizing. But you just have to keep trying. I'd also like to point out that the situation I found myself in after graduating was infinitely better than what scores of other graduates find themselves in. How, you ask?

1. I still had the same job at AdventSource that I had held while I was a student. They let me stay there while I hunted for a permanent position and were always flexible when I needed to leave for an interview. I will be eternally grateful to them for the opportunity to work and learn while I was in school.

2. My wife has a great job that she loves. We weren't in a situation where I was the only source of income. None of this school stuff would have been possible without my loving wife, Wanda. Thanks babe!

3. It only took me about three months of full job hunt mode to get a job. Some people search for much longer than this and still can't find any work. I know that I am lucky and need to be grateful for what I already have and the opportunities that are before me. Now I just need to make the most of them.

I start my new job as a Computer Systems Technician next Monday, the 22nd of April. 8:00 AM sharp!

Thanks for reading, everyone.

Another Week, Another Interview

Note: I'm purposely not saying what companies I've interviewed with and I know that it's probably getting hard to keep all of my vague references straight. Bear with me. After I've finally landed a job I'll account for my job search experience in greater detail.

Another note: Do you think it's wise to keep under wraps the names of companies you have dealt with when interviewing? I don't know what kind of repercussions can come from detailing the process but I suppose as long as you're not slinging mud it's probably okay. Regardless, I don't intend to reveal the companies until after I've gotten a position. For some reason it just feels better that way.

--------

I still haven't heard back from the company I had the phone interview with. I'm finding job searching to a be a depressing endeavor. I'm really trying to temper my expectations for any job, even if an interview goes well because it seems that a rejection is the likeliest of outcomes.

I just got off the phone with a recruiter at a local tech company and I've got an interview set up for next Tuesday. So far, that's 4 initial interviews I've landed myself and 0 for the IT staffing agency I'm working with. I'll let you all know how it goes.

In the meantime, I'm still hoping to hear back from the previous company.

**crosses fingers....again....**

And Then There Was One

I just got off the phone with the representative from the IT staffing agency that I've been working with. If you remember, I was waiting to hear back from them regarding a potential job interview. No such luck. The company decided to interview some other candidates but not me. Oh well. Now I'm just waiting to hear back from the company that I had the phone interview with last week. In the meantime, I need to check out some job postings.

Hold That Phone

About that phone interview that I had yesterday: it was a bit exhausting.

It was supposed to last about an hour and it clocked in at about 15 minutes over that (some of that overage can be attributed to my rambling tendencies); it felt like a mash-up of all of the worst kinds of interview questions. This was an evaluation interview so the interviewer was following a specific set of questions and was typing my responses into her computer. I wasn't allowed to ask for any explanation or clarification of the questions. I was only allowed to ask for the question to be repeated. I won't go into specifics right now, but there were lots of questions followed either by "can you give an example of [particular trait and/or situation]?" or, "can you rate yourself [regarding trait] on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being high?" At one point, one of the earlier questions was repeated and I'm guessing it was probably to see if I would change my answer or be tripped up by it. I think I did okay but I know that I could have answered some of the questions better and that I rambled on a bit too much on a lot of them. I kicked myself about that after it was over and I hope that I didn't sink my chances with that company. I was told that I'd hear something from them next week so here's to hoping that it's to offer me a job and not to turn me down.

*crosses fingers*

Now Get On With Your Life!

So, as usual, it's been a long long time since I've posted anything on here. Always with those "I'm gonna try to post more!" BS lines. If you, my constant and faithful readers, haven't figured out by now that I am a sporadic blogger, you may never figure it out.

Now for an update:

I graduated (again) but don't get too excited, it's just another bachelor's degree. As I've mentioned previously, I've been studying computers and IT stuffydoodles. I finished up in mid-December and after a nice holiday I started searching for jobs. So far I've had three interviews and a meeting with a recruiter for an IT staffing agency who is basically pimping me out to various companies in hopes of landing me either a full-time permanent position or contract position. All three of the interviews I've landed myself so kudos to me! I'm waiting on one position from the staffing agency but so far have not heard anything about getting an interview. I felt that all three of my interviews went well. I came out of each feeling very confident. Of those three, I have received two rejection emails. One of the positions I'm glad that I wasn't chosen because I don't think I would have liked working there. It was in a call center and as I walked in and waited for the interview to start, bad vibes/memories of my previous work in a call center came to mind. So no tears over that one. The other position I got rejected for felt like it would have been a great job. I thought I nailed the interview and it sounded like it would have been a really cool place to work at. Of course they make it sound great in the interview, but it still seemed like it would have been a quality entry-level position. The third interview was just last week and I'm very excited about it (but not too excited, lest I get another rejection). I actually have a second interview with them today, this time over the phone. This one, if the phone interview goes well and I still get rejected, will hurt a bit. Such is life, eh? I'll try to post an update on my job hunt soon. I know you're all just dying to find out!

The Final Countdown Has Begun...Again

Hey all you faithful readers out there! If you've ever read a thing or two on my blog you know that I'm prone to Grand Canyon-esque lapses between my posts. And it's been 44 days since my last activity here. But I've actually got a few semi-good reasons for that this time. In addition to my elephantine laziness, of course.

I've been directing my occasional posting efforts to an up-and-coming sports blog that I recently joined as a contributor. The site's NoCoastBias.com (NCB) and you can find my bio page and blog posts here and here. My writing there focuses mostly on the NFL and making fun of myself. So, it'll be fairly similar to what I post here! You should definitely check out the site. Not just because of me (although that is a good reason to go in the first place!) but because the site's founder, Derek Hernandez, has put together an impressive list of writers and contributors and we're churning out new content every day. Speaking of new content, I'm proud to say that my good friend Andy Soto joined the site as well and has written some great articles. Andy's got a wealth of sports knowledge in his handsome noggin and if you're a Chiefs fan you're in for a treat (though Andy may begin writing some depressing articles if the Chiefs keep losing).

Also, as the title of this piece suggests, the final countdown has begun! Again. A little background for you:

Do you guys remember MySpace? That social networking site that a lot of people (myself included) though would outlast Facebook and keep giving us glittery profile backgrounds and embedded content forever! Well, we were wrong! Anyway, back about a month before I graduated from college the first time, I added the song The Final Countdown by Europe as my profile song. In case you haven't heard it or want to hear it again, here's the video:

God, isn't that freaking awesome? Did you ever wish that you could have lived through the eighties? To be fair, I was born in '84, so I was a little kid during some of the prime rocking eighties time. If only my birth could have been dialed back a few years then maybe I could have gone to a Phil Collins concert while he was still cool and not pumping out Disney tunes. What am I saying? Phil is the best. I love Phil Collins. Did you know he was in the movie Hook? As a kid who had ample time to both wear out my dad's No Jacket Required tape AND watch lots of VHS movies, I thought that was the coolest thing ever to see him in that movie. Anyway, what was my point with all of this eighties stuff? Oh yes, the countdown. Well, I'm counting down to my second college graduation. I can't decide if that's a sad thing or not. I suppose if it results in me getting some better opportunities than I had before (and more money is always nice) and if I enjoy my work more than I did before then it won't be sad. It'll be worth the time that I put into it. That's what I (and my very patient wife) are hoping for. And since I'm counting down to graduation, that means I have to actually pass my classes this semester! And that means actually doing homework and going to class! Terrible things, I know. But necessary.

So even though I still find many ways to waste my time, I do have TWO WHOLE reasons for why you haven't been seeing much of me here lately. I hope to remedy that a bit. I've enjoyed writing about sports at NCB but I've missed writing about whatever the hell is running through my head at any moment and there's no reason that I can't do both. If you're looking for hard statistical analysis and rock-solid predictions about the NFL on NCB you probably don't want to read my articles. Check out Andy's stuff or any of the other crew members who post on the NFL. But if you want to read something goofy, self-deprecating, and loosely tied to the NFL, then I'm your man.

Sports Post-Football: Addendum

As an addition to my REAL (sorry Canada; Arena) football replacement candidates piece, I would like to add Canadian football. However, it's not really a replacement since it coincides with the NFL season. Their preseason is already underway and they wrap up on November 25th (CFL official site).

Anyway, I caught this Deadspin article about NBC's new 24-hour sports network that is looking for some live programming. I guess they're going to air some Canadian football this season. I've heard some crazy things about the sport: wider field, three downs, punting into the endzone for points (here's Wikipedia's entry), etc. I could see myself watching a few games, just for the sheer spectacle of it! Seriously, it could be fun.

It's too bad that they don't play during the summer because it would be a highly desirable NFL replacement (much better than the nearly non-existent Arena Football League). So, until August 27th, we will be deprived of CFL action on NBC Sports Network and we will have to make-due with mediocre preseason NFL starting this Sunday.

At this point, I refuse to watch baseball.

Onward!

Mobile Man

Not to be confused with a Mobile, AL man or a children's mobile.

As humankind's technology (not humankind itself; we're all kind of dicks to each other) progresses and quick-hit blogging and social media sites continue to flourish, I fear that we may soon see the decline of the traditional blogger. That person sitting in front of their hip laptop--wait, they're ultrabooks now--pounding out a story about a story about a story (Inception! Braaaaaaaaaaawwww braaaaaaawwwwww) while also looking at cat videos and eating something locavore.

What am I saying? Nothing, I just wanted to make a post from my phone. Please ignore this as it is certainly definitely wrong and straight out of my ass. That is all. Bloggers are safe.

Books I've Read So Far This Year

Hello, faithful readers. I was perusing an old post of mine that mentioned books I had read in the year 2011. Well, since I know you're all just dying to know, here's a post with the books that I've read so far in 2012:

The Girl Who Played with Fire
Bossypants
11/22/63
Under the Dome
Mile 81 (short story)
The Deadline
Ender's Game
The Road
Pandora's Star - * currently reading

I read the first two books of Stieg Larsson's Millenium Series through our local library's e-book collection. I had reserved the third, but when it became available to me, I decided I wasn't really in the mood to find out what kind of pickled fish Lisbeth Salander or Mikael Blomkvist would have on their sandwiches or which convenience store Lisbeth would frequent to pick up her Billy's Pan Pizza. So I didn't check it out. Really, it's not that bad, but there are lots of occurrences of  this minutiae; not to mention the descriptions of all of the (now out-dated) APPLE computers that various characters use. Oh, did I mention that Blomkvist sits naked in bed with his APPLE computer (I can't remember if he actually does this, but it sounds like something he'd do)? That he smokes while accessing a folder on his APPLE computer? Or that Lisbeth hacks into everything with an APPLE computer? APPLE APPLE APPLE.

Stieg, baby. We get it. They use cool computers.

Anyway, I really don't have any hate for these books. Just some things I noticed. I do really want to finish the series so I again reserved the final book. I'll check it out this time, promise!

Bossypants was quite good. I love Tina Fey.

I then went on a Stephen King tear, reading two of his more recent novels and then a short story. I liked 11/22/63 better than Under the Dome. Under the Dome was pretty darn good throughout until the end. After I finished I felt pretty blah towards the book overall. Mile 81 is a little slice of horror where nothing but bad happens. Depressing? Of course. But well-done.

The Deadline was a "novel" (a very loose categorization) I read for my project management class that I took last semester. I count it only because it wasn't a textbook and I actually read the whole thing. That said, it was not very good as a novel. Don't read it unless you're a budding project manager (which I am not).

I read Ender's Game on a recommendation from a friend. It struck me as just okay. I'm sure that will incite rage in a lot of folks, but, to me, it was just okay. I wouldn't read it again.

Now, The Road, that was an awesome book. I loved it. As I was reading it, I kept drawing comparisons between it and one of my favorite video games, Fallout 3. Well, it turns out that the developers of Fallout 3 were inspired by the book and made it "required reading" while working on the game. Very cool.

Finally, I've been working on Pandora's Star for over a month. It's a ginormous epic space book that I picked up on another friend's recommendation. It's very interesting but it also has a LOT of extraneous details and descriptions. I can appreciate that, especially when you're talking about space travel and different planets and galaxies and all of the different lifeforms and environments that one would encounter within the book's universe. But it can be tough to slog through. I've been neglecting the book for a while so I need to put in some solid reading sessions.

And, before you ask, yes! I'm planning on finishing The Lord of the Rings! I promise! Shoot, I probably only have a hundred pages or so left! It's just criminal to not finish it. So I will. Don't worry.

Tecmo Time: Follow-up

 

 I Finished up my current season in Tecmo Super Bowl. The "version" of the game that I'm playing has been updated but you can tell how long it's been since I last played since all of the rosters are reflective of the 2010 season. Anyway, I played through the season with the New England Patriots and the Denver Broncos. These teams actually played each other twice in the season--once in the regular season and again in the AFC Championship. I briefly agonized over which team to play with, even flipping a bottle cap (too lazy to find a coin) to see which team I would use. Then I just decided to let ol' Tecmo decide for me. I let them play each other. Crazily enough (well, not that crazy, since Tom Brady was really just Steve Grogan in disguise and Kyle Orton is nonother than the hallowed John Elway), the Broncos won both times.

 Now, anyone who is familiar with Tecmo Super Bowl knows that playoff games often become much much more difficult than regular season ones. (I think we can all relate to the experiences had by a player named Arnold in this article.) Something that I have encountered, and maybe you have too, is that it seems that even the regular season games toward the end of the season tend to get more difficult. Receivers who were once wide-open are now blanketed, forcing your not-so-nimble quarterback to shamble down the sideline for a few precious yards. Holes that were once a mile wide are now mere inches and your once unstoppable running back is now stuffed after two or three yards.

 So, I was a wee bit nervous about going into the playoffs with my two teams. Denver won a hard-fought game against Seattle in a wild card match-up while New England got a bye. Oddly enough, the Denver v. Seattle game was the only really difficult game of the playoffs. Denver then beat up Houston, err, Tennessee in the Divisional round and New England handily defeated Buffalo. This set up the previously mentioned AFC Championship. Denver won and would play Philadelphia, led by Michael Vick (Randall Cunningham). I gave the birds quite a drubbing and basked in the Tecmo glory.

Tecmo Time: The Game that Shall Live Forever

Faithful readers, I met with a dear friend of mine this weekend. That friend is Tecmo Super Bowl. I previously regaled you with a brief remembrance of joyful childhood holidays at my grandparents house playing this game; sitting in the basement conjuring whatever black magic spell was needed to keep the wheezy Nintendo running and pumping this 8-bit wonder through the equally-taxed television. Those are days rich with dreams and untapped potential. If you could take a perennial punching bag like the Arizona Cardinals to the Super Bowl, you could easily become an astronaut heart surgeon cowboy.


I've had the game on my computer, accessible by an emulator, for a while. I go through spurts of playing and it's been a while since I last took a turn on it.

Well, I fired it up on Sunday and played a few games. Just like putting on an old pair of shoes or riding a bicycle or whatever you want to call it. Good times.

One of my favorite things to do is to start a season with one team and then, about halfway through the season, check to see what teams are languishing in last place; one sickly burp of the life support machine away from not making the playoffs. I'll pick one of those teams and see if I can will them through the rest of the season and on to Tecmo glory. To see that scene with your team, your coach lifted, and your players listed is one of life's grandest achievements.

Speaking of scenes, my cousins and I used to watch the intro to the game and scream out the players being showcased:

"Joe Montana!"


"Barry Sanders!"


"Lawrence Taylor!"


It was awesome. Back when there were no thoughts of brain-addling diseases debilitating our idols and not a drop of cynicism to be found in our minds. And every time I fire up that game, a little bit of that childhood magic comes back. Memories. Sweet sweet memories.

Holy Schnoodles

Yes, holy schnoodles, indeed. Fair and good readers, I am not Gurg. Gurg was something that probably should not have seen the light of day. He has traveled back to his home planet, never to return. I burned his green card and shredded his passport into his breakfast cereal. Bid him a farewell. Not a fond one, just a farewell.

Holy schnoodles, it has (again) been a long time since I've written anything. Here is what's shaking:

• It is very very very very very very very very hot here in Lincoln. It is also very very very very very very very very very very hot everywhere else.
• I attempted to hike up a 14,000 foot mountain (a 14er) in Colorado and I failed.
• Baseball is still here. Good God when will the season end and football begin? For all of my moaning about not wanting our future children to play football, I cannot freaking wait for the season to start. The allure of cooler weather and a wave of CTE-tinged pigskin matches is always something to look forward to. Am I a terrible person for saying this? Yes, I probably am.
• I am nearing the start of the last semester of my retread-college career. Let's hope that I don't see the need to go back to school again. Ever.
• And that's about it.

Greetings from Gurg

Greetings, you cretins of the high world. It is I, Gurg. I'm sitting in for Nate for a bit. He's suffering from a tough bout of post-nasal drip that I gave him last night. Not sure when he'll be back, maybe next time, maybe not. He choked out a few phelgm-soaked instructions before I passed him an ether-rag to sneeze into. Suffice to say, he's finally going to get some sleep! Oh, instructions! Yes, he mentioned something about greeting his faithful readers, so . . . uh, greetings. I hope you're not too put off by someone new writing on Nate's blog. Don't worry, I'm not going to change things . . . yet. No, no, things are going to stay the same . . . for a while. Nate's going to be back very soon. As soon as my Boss comes back to usher his chosen ones down to the warmth of paradise. Yup, let's just say, when the basement door opens, then Nate will be back.

Anywho, I suppose you want to know some things about me. Well, I went to a non-accredited bible college for a few years, just for kicks. Can you believe you actually have to pay to go to a place like that? Shoot, they don't even study the right bible. What's all this Genesis, Exodus, Philemon, Revelation business? And they put the wrong guy's words in red print! Wow. And then, they tried to get me to go out and sell all of these religious books and cookbooks. The recipes don't have any meat in them! Ugh. It was not a fun time. So I split when the stipend the Boss gave me ran out. Okay, confession: my time there wasn't "just for kicks". I was actually doing some research. But after the first few reports the Boss told me I could quit submitting them. He said he'd have no problems with those people. So I left.

Nate also mentioned (before he passed out) that his faithful readers may have some questions about a new "person" authoring his blog. Well, first of all, I'm not technically a "person". I mean, I'm in human form right now, but I guess that's neither here nor there. Okay, on to the questions. Usually, Nate has to wade through the large volume of comments this blog receives to see if there are any questions. It's really annoying because I've commented at least twelve times and he's never once answered me! Makes me kind of mad, actually. Anyway, I don't have to wait for the comments. I've got a special "gift" that allows me to answer reader's questions before they even have them! Away we go!

Where were you born?

-Olaf in Nantucket

Well, Olaf, I was born in the deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep South. Not the South you're thinking of, either.

How old are you?

-Brad in Denver

Brad, that's a very good question. Do you want a cumulative total or just how old I am in my current form? Oh, you want cumulative. Duh! Hmm, gotta think for a second . . . serpent's apprentice . . . pig on a cliff . . . pea soup intern . . . crow . . . carry the maccabees, add fourteen . . . crow . . . pitbull . . . crow . . . DMV worker . . . centurion . . . assistant football coach in Pennsylvania . . . author of young adult fiction (vampires, mostly) . . . postal worker . . . aaaannnnddd aspiring blogger. Okay, we've got 8,642 years. Give or take a few.

What have you done with Nate, really?

Ethel in Ann Arbor

Ethel! What do you mean, what have I done? Nate's fine! Well, his body is, anyway. His soul? Well, let's just say it's in a better place . . . between two pieces of sourdough under a slice of swiss cheese on my plate! Mmm, mmm, mmm. Nothing like a good soul sandwich. That's what keeps me running in peak condition. I'm like Mr. Fusion! Toss me a fat juicy soul and some leftover beer and I'm good to go for a few more miles.

What does a soul taste like?

Wingnut in Washington D.C.

Ever have a chicken quesadilla from Taco Bell? Like that.

Do you know where I can get some new boots? Preferably ones that are good for walking, dude.

Randall in EVERYWHERE

Oh, hey Randall. Been a while since I've chatted with you. Yeah, there's a place called Western Outfitters here in town that'll probably be able to outfit you with some nice boots.

Don't you have some work to do?

The Boss in [redacted]

Oh, hey, Boss! I'm on assignment, remember? Fiddle sticks! I know I know, my break's up. I was hungry and this guy gave me something to eat. I was pretty thirsty so he gave me a Diet Coke. I was a stranger but, gosh darn it, he still invited me in . . . And I ate his soul. Nice trade, eh?

All right, everyone. I gotta go. Nate'll be back tomorrow. I was just kidding about all that other stuff. Really. Now that I think about, you probably shouldn't mention any of this to him. He's gonna be all groggy anyway and it'll probably just confuse him. Best to just act like nothing happened. NOTHING!

HELL-O and goodbye. It's been fun. I wish all the worst for all of you.

Your pal,

Gurg

The Musings of a Mind Pimple

My faithful readers: hello. How is this beautiful, wretched earth treating you today? I hope that you are well. Please, eat a roast beef and cheddar doused in horsey sauce in remembrance of me. Hold hands and remember the good times. Why do I say these things? I don't know. Because I'm weird and I'm obviously trying too hard to write . . . something? Anything! Dear Christ, it's as if the creative juices my head holds are always bubbling and burbling beneath the surface of my skull but they dribble out like the grease of a sad sad pimple. Gross! I'll stop there. I need a crowbar to pry my mind open and loose the hounds of my demented mind!

Uh, yeah, Nate? It's called, I dunno, a work ethic? Consistency? Dedication to a craft? Drive? Motivation? A will to succeed? Yeah, any of those.


Damn it, Jim (who's Jim?)! I know these things! Obviously, I lack them. I am the embodiment of an entitled society. I expect these great works of my gross mind-pimple and the trappings associated with their success to just come to me! You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one (thanks, John)!

What? No! I am most certainly not on LSD or any other drug right now, aside from caffeine. I want to have a job that is easy and doesn't require a lot of thought (and really, who doesn't?). But, I also want to be paid a shit-ton of money for it! Sadly, a reality TV show producer isn't knocking down my door so there will be no Keeping Up With the Johnsons on E! this summer. Shame!

So, long story short, I've been trying to blog more. If, you happen to actually be one of my faithful readers, you will have come across this sentiment from me before. No, I don't really think blogging a bit more regularly will automatically make me a success. That would be asinine! And yet, there's that insidious part of my mind that thinks this crap will just happen. Kind of like when I was a kid and my dad hid a present, out of the blue, on top of our bookcase and then surprised me with it. It wasn't for any special occasion, it was just a present. Leonardo, the Ninja Turtle! Awesome! But, you know what happened? After that, I ALWAYS checked that bookcase looking for a present. I expected some god damned thing for nothing! All the time! And there was never something up there again. Why should there have been? It was just some random thing, a nice gift my dad got me. Was I grateful? I suppose, I enjoyed my toy. But I expected something after that when I didn't before.

I don't know that this event shaped my awful expectation philosophy, it was probably already there. Why? I don't know. But it persists. I was told at some point that I was a good writer. Or I had a modicum of talent that I should take advantage of. Or I got good grades on high school papers without trying. Or a seemingly unhinged teacher of an unhinged class (Religion. Score one for parochial schools!) told me I was a wonderful poet/writer. God. Some teachers are just good at blowing hot air and bullshit up kids' asses.

I suppose events like these helped form this devil spawn of entitlement in me. Oh, I may have a microscopic smudge of talent somewhere in my demented soul? I can do well without trying? Then . . .

Come to me, world of wonders and wealth. Come. We shall drink of the wine of delusion and deceit, thinking highly of ourselves and scoffing at others while cinching the trenchcoat of superiority tighter around our throats and laughing maniacally at the poor workers. Those who just don't know. Those who find success not by just being, but by spit and sweat. By bitter tears of work and sacrifice. The real people.

Well, screw you, Nate. Screw you and your idiocy. You are dazzled by the falsehoods of celebrities. And you are stupid.

I'm not sure what this post means, really. It's mostly just dribblings from my gross mind-pimple. A mark of an amateur, I'm sure, is writing almost exclusively about himself. Narcissist much? What better topic is there than one you know so much about? Keep trying, genius.

I will say this: I've always cared about writing. Yes, I'm lazy. But actually churning something out, anything (and this is most definitely anything and not Something of any worth), makes me feel better than I think any job could ever do.

English Major: Explained

I was perusing an old edition of the Deadspin Funbag that is managed by the eternally awesome Drew Magary and I came across this gem. The Funbag is where Drew answers email questions from readers. Being a fellow English major I can say this is the essence of the degree. A perfect synopsis in his answer to Old Gil's question:

Old Gil:

"So I'm getting to the point in my college career where I have to decide on a major. What subject can I major in that will be both easy and make me look good in the future? I don't want some bullshit Museum Studies degree, but at the same time I don't want to have to do any work. I also like money if that helps narrow things down. Any suggestions? And if you had to do it over, what would you have switched to?"

Drew's response:

"I was an English major, and I recommend it. When you're an English major, all you really have to do is read novels (or, in my case, skim them), then talk about them and write a few papers on them. You don't have to memorize anything. You don't have to do any fucking field research. You don't have to work with a fucking lab partner or something horrible like that. There are no quizzes (unless your professor is a dick). You can bullshit your way through things. And it's a major no one sneers at. Some teachers assign papers instead of ever giving some fucking blue book test. A lot of professors let us choose which one we wanted (we always chose doing a paper). Plus, you can claim to have read any number of great books, and know enough about them to make it sound like you're a smart asshole. I don't think I'd want to major in anything else. Sociology majors are retards.
The ten most lucrative majors, according to the New York Times, are almost all engineering majors. That shit is hard. I dunno if it's worth it.
(NOTE: The only thing that SUCKED about being an English major was the English Theory course I had to take junior year. It was horrible. The professor made us think, and do real work. YES YOU, MR. BRYANT! OR SHOULD I SAY MR. TYRANT?!)"

Follow Drew on Twitter

Tweets for the Memories

Hello, my faithful readers! My, has it been almost a month already? You must be starved for sustenance! My little lambs have been without their faithful farmer to let them out into the sweet fields of grass and honeysuckle! Never fear, here is a nugget of truthiness for you!

Saw this on a @gawker comment thread: "Q: How can you tell if someone's a vegan? A: Don't worry. They'll tell you."So so true. #fb
— Nathan Johnson (@najohnson84) May 4, 2012

I tweeted this last Friday after reading it in the comments section of an article on Gawker regarding Hitler and some of his strange habits. The commenters were discussing Hitler possibly being a vegan. I thought the comment was funny and also a good way to poke at some of the self-righteous prick vegans I've encountered who make quite a show of announcing that they are vegan and stating very smugly that they basically cannot eat anything. All of these vegans I've met have been Seventh-day Adventists which adds a nice coating of crazy to their prattlings-on about almond butter and wheatgrass smoothies. Bitter, much? You bet!

I was amused yesterday afternoon to see that it was suddenly being retweeted on Twitter. I've never had something I tweeted get passed-on like this so, of course, my immediate thought was, "I'm gonna be famous! I'll be working for the Gawker media empire in no time!" Shoot, I even picked some of the more popular retweeters and tweeted them a personal, "Thanks for the RT!" RT is Twitter shorthand for retweet (don't mind my condescension, apologies).

Sidenote: isn't everything shorthand with Twitter? 140 characters isn't a lot of space to get your thoughts across. I've come across variations of this basic Twitter truism:


"What I hate most about Twitter: finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commi".


The funny thing about Twitter, time and again, is that it's an illusion of interaction with those more famous and affluent than us. Any type of reciprocation is a validation of your awesomeness! 


Something I didn't even come up with is being retweeted a handful of times by complete strangers!


I'm a genius!


etc.


I like to think that yesterday's strange retweeting episode means something more. Because I look far too deeply into everything! But it doesn't. It doesn't validate me as funny, successful, influential, or anything else that sounds good. I just need to take it for what it was: an amusing thought (that someone else had) being repeated by a few people on a micro-blogging site.

Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

Ha! How's that for random? Again, I've been on one of my lackadaisical blogging exiles and that song title popped into my head. Does anyone remember it? Oh, Paula Cole. As I recall, it's a pretty cool (and depressing) ditty. I like the verses better than the chorus, but it's catchy. And I liked it much better than I Don't Want to Wait, for sure!

. . .

Anyway . . .

I am so sorry! I totally forgot to properly greet all of you, my faithful readers, who have been without the nourishment of my writing for nearly a month! Apologies. Many many apologies. I prescribe myself a million Hail Ellens (Ellen White) and some flagellation with a rope made of petrified Big Franks (if you're not familiar with the Adventists, you probably won't get these references).

So, what have I been up to? Not much, my friends. Not much. Still working and going to class. Playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 and a few matches of Halo: Reach. Oh, and Wanda and I got a bird feeder, thinking it would be a great torture device for our two cats and a pleasant diversion for us to watch out the patio window. So we trucked to Lowe's this weekend and bought a feeder, two kinds of feed, and a pole to hang the feeder on. And nothing! No damn birds have shown up. What the hell? Last night we went for a walk and contemplated trying to capture a few birds and transplant them back in our backyard. Patience, I suppose.

I've lost a few pounds and that makes me happy. I hit the third notch on my belt today which is good because the second one is probably getting worn out. And think of all the other notches that I could hit if I keep losing weight! They'll be so happy to finally be useful! Their purpose in life will be fulfilled! That's who I'm doing it for, for those neglected belt notches.

All right, enough of this drivel. Until next time, avoid the Kardashians.

NASCAR Indoctrination

I watched my first full NASCAR race last night. Well, mostly full. I was DVRing it (damn homework!) and was a little behind so I got to fast forward through commercials and the cleanup of that gigantanormous fiery wreck involving Juan Pablo Montoya and an unfortunate jet dryer truck. Sadly, I began to fall asleep even as the race reached it's pinnacle of excitement. Terrible, right? In my defense, it was close to midnight when the race finally finished after myriad cautions, a couple wrecks, and a jet fuel barbecue.

Even though I fell asleep (did I mention how comfy our loveseat is?) the race was not boring. There was a wreck on the second lap for goodness sake! I don't know that I'm ready to declare myself a diehard fan just yet. But the Daytona 500 was pretty entertaining and I think it'll be fun to follow along with all of the soap opera drama that comes with a season of NASCAR.

And then, he wrecked me on turn 3 because I called him a doodoo head! I'm gonna go throw my helmet at him after the race!


No! Danica! Why would you do that?


Because...*sigh* *sniffle* I hate him...and love him so much!


Okay, so that probably won't happen. Wouldn't it be great if it did! :-)

or

Let's try and get Dale on the radio here. Dale, this is DW (Darrell Waltrip), do you have a copy?...Dale?


DW, I think he's done drank too much Diet Mountain Dew. He's in the caffeine zone now. Only a victory here today will bring him back.


A bit more likely, but no. Still, wouldn't that be crazy and silly and great? Considering how much sponsor butt-kissing that goes on, it wouldn't surprise me if it was in Dale Earnhardt Jr's contract to drink as much Diet Mountain Dew as possible during a race and then be sure to thank them for the opportunity after his kidneys and bladder have exploded.

I get the gratuitous sponsor-thanking that goes on in every single interview done with a driver/crew chief/owner. Racing is expensive and it's important to keep that money flowing. Here's an interesting article I found from USA Today: Sponsors Make NASCAR's Wheels Go 'Round.

I'm enjoying my NASCAR education so far. What does everyone else think of the sport?